The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
