I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
