Umm I'm too high to move.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
