words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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