dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so let's talk penis.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
