I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
