Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
