dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
