last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
