All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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