Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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