whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
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He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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