Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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