I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
