the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
they need to just BURY HIM!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
