Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
