I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We got so high we made milksteak
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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