I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
