Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
it hurts more in the daytime
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
