The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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