I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
