In the future we'll all be gay
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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