Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
barbara walters just said penis...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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