Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
