cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
