I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
