"it" just moved
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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