If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
