She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
