This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
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I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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