I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
