apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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