shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
