We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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