If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
