i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
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Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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