question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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