The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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