He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
