WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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