How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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