My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
