You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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