I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
