cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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