just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
