They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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