im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
