Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
