whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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