and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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