he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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