Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
