the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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