tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
