I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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