My friends, they love my intelligence
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
