I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
