My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
