I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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