I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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