my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
