woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
