Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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